I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
