Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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