There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
