he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
