Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
