so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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