That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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