Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Randomize
