You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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