It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
