yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
