good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
