I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
