I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
