what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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