NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
