So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Lo siento on account of my penis...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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