Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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