if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
