The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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