I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
