pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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