You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
