I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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