I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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