I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
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i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
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The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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