she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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