PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
