Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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