The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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