see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line