btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar