I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
