mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
