Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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