1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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