Already got asked if we're dating
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
