I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
