I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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