My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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