He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
