My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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