My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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