nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize