Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
