I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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