just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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