Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
