I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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