Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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