After last night, I could never be a politician.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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