remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
