you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
