I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I looked at my own cervix.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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