Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
