Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
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you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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