omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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