the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
