im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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