You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
