u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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