If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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