Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize