I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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