if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
