I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
